I'm Diseased

A few days ago I read something that I ignored very much on purpose. I ignored it because it scared me. I ignored it because it was true. I ignored it because it was about me. Accepting the fact that I have many flaws and real problems that I have had to deal with, and still have to on a regular basis, is not something that I am afraid of. The problem with this one particular thing is that it slapped me in the face and put my focus on the fact that I am not doing as well as I thought I was doing.

I have problems with depression. Not to go into to details, I will simply say it's hereditary and I honestly don't like talking about it because it makes me feel seriously ill. I am a recovering anorexic with five years of honest to goodness good health. I'm very proud of the fact I don't count every calorie in obsessiveness anymore, although sometimes numbers fly through my head as I'm eating, but it's hard when I memorized so much back then.

So in the present I am conscious of what I eat, try not to overdo it, but most of all I try not to over think it because if I do I know I will get very sick again. At least this is what I tell myself.

Then came the article that put a flame to my veil of deceit that I had shrouded over my own eyes.

One evil little word that screams sickness: Orthorexia.

With varied descriptions, that don't matter because they all remind me of the truth inside my head, go as follows: Obsession with eating "healthy" foods, foods the eater considers to be clean. Mental obsession over what can be considered as healthy or clean enough to be consumed. This obsession can lead to only eating specific foods prepared in specific ways.

The articals go on, but I didn't need to read them anymore I knew what it was saying. Let me guide you through my orthorexia mind.

Morning: I will have coffee. I love coffee. Only filtered water. One cup, two cups would have way too many calories. One cup is all I need. OK one spoon full of sugar, now measure it carefully. No thats too much on the spoon. Don't put that in the coffee. Start over. OK, thats enough. All natural half and half. One tablespoon.

Now for breakfast. Eggs? No because you will want ham and cook them in butter. No butter. You could cook them in olive oil? No, but them there is the ham which is processed. No eggs. Almonds, raw. A peice of cheese. 8 oz glass of orange juice. Perfect.

Lunch. A sandwich? No bread. No, not the white bread. The whole wheat bread thats all natural. No, no sandwich. Soup? No, processed. Frozen pizza! Read the back...OMG! I don't even know what that is in there. You cannot eat that. Now an hour has passed and I am still pacing the kitchen. This is usually when mom asks me what I am doing, to which I reply trying to find something to eat. Which is turning out to be exhausting work. In the end I have a spoon full of peanut butter and some fruit. These are good, pure things I can eat.

At dinner I am usually at work. I work at a sandwich shop. What is there to eat? Well just make it a repeat of lunch where hours pass by and I am still doing a checks and balance list of every option of food. Usually I settle on a mini roast beef because the roast beef isn't processed. But them I make the mini smaller, a slice of bread from each end. There, that looks better. I fight myself over cheese. No cheese. Cheese, yes...no. OK, ok, cheese. Once slice.

People see me go out to eat though and watch me eat a good ole slice of Mellow Mushroom or a Jakes cheeseburger. Yes I do, but thats only because earlier in the day I had exhausted myself by fighting with myself and had only eaten safe foods so I could allow myself the unsafe foods.

I know...this is crazy, absolutely crazy. It doesn't help that one article considers orthorexia a mental disorder. The thing is I hadn't noticed my routine before. Mostly because its going on inside my own head. Sure I should be alarmed when I keep asking myself, "Why did you eat the cookie? You didn't need the cookie. How badly did you want the cookie? You didn't really want the cookie. You should have saved the cookie for when you really really wanted the cookie, then it would have been worth it. It would have been the right time to eat the cookie." But every woman does that, right? Right?

Right???

But now I can't stop thinking about what I am thinking about. Tonight at dinner I tried to not think about thinking about eating two slice of pizza, but then it's all I could think about. Maybe I shouldn't have got the Kosmic Karma. It had a lot of pesto which added a lot more olive oil, thus a lot more fat to my half. NO! Stop, it was delicious, the end.

I'm not crazy...right?

You Really Got a Hold On Me

I honestly do not know how to start this post.

We'll start with Tuesday. Tuesday morning I woke up determined to go get some serious wedding details finished. With only approx 7 weeks left there are things that must be finished as soon as possible. So I got up, showered, and headed out the door with my momma to getting all the necessary materials for my wedding veil. I wasn't set on having a veil until recently. I was going to make a lace floral hair piece with lace from my mother's wedding dress and a simple face veil. Well I changed my mind, like every bride.

We headed to the fabric store with my huge bridal bag holding my dream dress in the trunk. We found the perfect soft and romantic fabric, the perfect color, and just the soft draping I was wanting to achieve. We also got some lace to finish the bouquets with. Going on some advice from a girl I ran into at the fabric store, we went to CVS to look for the clear hair comb to make the veil on. Of course they would be in a pack of 12, when I only needed one, for $5. Momma pays for her viatimins and her recipte has $5 CVS bucks on it. She smiles and hands the coupon to me, "Guess whats free!?!"

Feeling very accomplished we headed to some thrift stores in town to shop around until I had to go get ready for work. I have been panicking over the stupid bridal bra that I have failed to get over the last year and a half, that now i NEED to go under my dress. It is a nice $80 from Davids Bridal. All of Ebay does not have my size except for one that was $60. But I had just made the decision to suck it up and just buy because I have to have it and my bridals are in two weeks.

Well I thought just for fun I would rifle through the bras. And then...omg, there it was. There it was! A strapless, corset longline, boning bra! In perfect shape, I quickly looked at the tag...my size! I ran to the dressing room and began hooking the endless rows of eyelet hooks. And then it was it! It came to rest right down my hips, low back, and it was $1! ONE DOLLAR! I screamed for momma and when she opened to door and saw it, as she knows the struggle over this bra business, she burst into tears. I too burst into tears of joy.

As I was working I just had this huge sense of peace. Everything was coming together. I had such a blessed day where God was providing everything I needed. It was all really happening. All this planning, over and a year and a half, it was finally coming together. The flowers were finally finished, the girls had their dresses, I had finished the wedding invitations and were going to be sent out on Monday, the guys were going to go get their outfits next week, the reception menu was finished. In about 6 weeks I would be walking down the isle.

I spent most of my shift imagining my veil design that I would start on as soon as I got off work. I got off work and Kasey said he wanted to come see me when I got off. Sure, I wanted to express to him the amazing day I'd had.

He comes over and immediately the conversation takes a turn I didn't expect. I don't remember the exact way the conversation started and how it got to the ultimate ending. I think we were talking about his car. Yes his car had broke for yet the thousand time.

"We need a new car before the wedding."

Then there was something about the apartment/living plans.

"We still haven't found what we can afford and is the right place for us."

Then something about how no one has called back yet on job prospects.

"The three jobs I'm working are not enough. I need stability. I mean we have been waiting for a solid job, but they just haven't been calling."

I felt my face get hot.

"I know we talked about postponing the wedding was the last thing we wanted to do, but I just don't see any other way. We ran out of time..."

"But..."

"We can't expect someone to call the week before the wedding or find somewhere to live the day before. I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with only you..."

"But we..."

"We will just have to wait till after the summer and see where we are then."

And there it was.

We are not getting married on May 21st, 2011. This does not, in no way, mean that we are not getting married. It only means that everything has changed. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that i immediately lashed out at him, but it's expected. I'm hurt, I feel the most let down I have ever felt in my life. I feel an embarrassment that I have never felt.

I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with Kasey, but I never thought that it wouldn't happen when we had worked so hard for this for so long. I didn't think it would take longer than what our plan was. I never expected our wedding to be a causality.

I don't know where to go from here. Prayers, happy thoughts, positive vibes, anything would be nice right now. I feel like curling up and locking myself away for a while. I know thats not the answer, but I just....I just don't know what to do.