We'll start with Tuesday. Tuesday morning I woke up determined to go get some serious wedding details finished. With only approx 7 weeks left there are things that must be finished as soon as possible. So I got up, showered, and headed out the door with my momma to getting all the necessary materials for my wedding veil. I wasn't set on having a veil until recently. I was going to make a lace floral hair piece with lace from my mother's wedding dress and a simple face veil. Well I changed my mind, like every bride.
We headed to the fabric store with my huge bridal bag holding my dream dress in the trunk. We found the perfect soft and romantic fabric, the perfect color, and just the soft draping I was wanting to achieve. We also got some lace to finish the bouquets with. Going on some advice from a girl I ran into at the fabric store, we went to CVS to look for the clear hair comb to make the veil on. Of course they would be in a pack of 12, when I only needed one, for $5. Momma pays for her viatimins and her recipte has $5 CVS bucks on it. She smiles and hands the coupon to me, "Guess whats free!?!"
Feeling very accomplished we headed to some thrift stores in town to shop around until I had to go get ready for work. I have been panicking over the stupid bridal bra that I have failed to get over the last year and a half, that now i NEED to go under my dress. It is a nice $80 from Davids Bridal. All of Ebay does not have my size except for one that was $60. But I had just made the decision to suck it up and just buy because I have to have it and my bridals are in two weeks.
Well I thought just for fun I would rifle through the bras. And then...omg, there it was. There it was! A strapless, corset longline, boning bra! In perfect shape, I quickly looked at the tag...my size! I ran to the dressing room and began hooking the endless rows of eyelet hooks. And then it was it! It came to rest right down my hips, low back, and it was $1! ONE DOLLAR! I screamed for momma and when she opened to door and saw it, as she knows the struggle over this bra business, she burst into tears. I too burst into tears of joy.
As I was working I just had this huge sense of peace. Everything was coming together. I had such a blessed day where God was providing everything I needed. It was all really happening. All this planning, over and a year and a half, it was finally coming together. The flowers were finally finished, the girls had their dresses, I had finished the wedding invitations and were going to be sent out on Monday, the guys were going to go get their outfits next week, the reception menu was finished. In about 6 weeks I would be walking down the isle.
I spent most of my shift imagining my veil design that I would start on as soon as I got off work. I got off work and Kasey said he wanted to come see me when I got off. Sure, I wanted to express to him the amazing day I'd had.
He comes over and immediately the conversation takes a turn I didn't expect. I don't remember the exact way the conversation started and how it got to the ultimate ending. I think we were talking about his car. Yes his car had broke for yet the thousand time.
"We need a new car before the wedding."
Then there was something about the apartment/living plans.
"We still haven't found what we can afford and is the right place for us."
Then something about how no one has called back yet on job prospects.
"The three jobs I'm working are not enough. I need stability. I mean we have been waiting for a solid job, but they just haven't been calling."
I felt my face get hot.
"I know we talked about postponing the wedding was the last thing we wanted to do, but I just don't see any other way. We ran out of time..."
"We can't expect someone to call the week before the wedding or find somewhere to live the day before. I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with only you..."
"We will just have to wait till after the summer and see where we are then."
And there it was.
We are not getting married on May 21st, 2011. This does not, in no way, mean that we are not getting married. It only means that everything has changed. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that i immediately lashed out at him, but it's expected. I'm hurt, I feel the most let down I have ever felt in my life. I feel an embarrassment that I have never felt.
I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with Kasey, but I never thought that it wouldn't happen when we had worked so hard for this for so long. I didn't think it would take longer than what our plan was. I never expected our wedding to be a causality.
I don't know where to go from here. Prayers, happy thoughts, positive vibes, anything would be nice right now. I feel like curling up and locking myself away for a while. I know thats not the answer, but I just....I just don't know what to do.