Sunday, May 29, 2011

A List

Some of My favorite things:




Journals (this includes the perfect writing pen)


Vintage Pyrex

Thrift stores

The smell of the library

Nail polish

Old leather shoes


The look on Kaseys' face when he is asleep

Doctor Who


Sun warmed grass under my feet


Graphic novels

The moment when I take yarn in my hand, before it becomes anything

Things colored soft peachy pink

Frozen grape juice


The smell of my momma's hair

My Bible

Moths that look like magical butterflies

The sound of a fan

Realizing you haven't looked at the night sky in a long time and letting it suddenly take your breath away

Watching people truly smile

(to be continued)

New blog!

So I am starting another blog to account the journey of my new DIY wedding!

I need help on this re-do guys!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Wood Sorrel

Today was one of those days where as I sit here endlessly going through Tumblr posts, Doctor Who spoilers, Facebooking, and dream Etsy shopping, I just have this peaceful feeling about what today was.

I went to work, then put on my new dress and just decided today would be wonderful. And it was. We made ribs for dinner. Drove around in our new "baby." This baby being the closet thing we will get to an actual baby for a very long time. This baby is our new 2009 Toyota Yaris. It's Kasey and mine's first ever new car in our whole lives and it's ours. It was exciting, scary, exhilarating, and amazing all at the same time. We prayed and prayed over this car and we know that it is our blessing from God. No more pulling over and praying that the little green Honda will make it a couple of more miles before overheating and smoking. No more, "Do you hear that?" and knowing whatever horrible sound that it is will cost a hundreds of dollar that we do not have. We put the little Honda at the end of the road with $1500 on the window, and the pessimistic attidute of knowing we would have to sell it for scraps, only to have a gentlemen offer us $1400 in cash four hours later. Then there we were at Carmax putting down our hard earned saving on the little bluish silver bundle of joy.

It's amazing and perfect for us and no more, "Do you hear that sound?" We rode around today playing with all the buttons, hidden compartments, and enjoying the truth that it is ours. I want to name it Rory...or Arthur, but Kasey isn't so comfortable with the idea of it being a guy. But it's so darn cute!

Then we ate ribs, ran around the yard in the sun taking pictures, ate wood sorrel as suggested by my niece that it was safe and edible, and just enjoyed the day that was given to us. It was wonderful, I found myself enjoying life in a way I have felt detatched from for a long time now. I know it is the overworked, wedding postponed, emotional downpull of life that has been my daily life here lately.

But was amazing.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Don't Care

I recently came across a pair of white tights with little peach flowers on them. They reminded me of the ones my mother forced me to wear when I was a child. I wore them today with my sheer pale peach dress with the poofy sleeves. This dress is actually a vintage nightie I snagged at Goodwill. Throw a thin brown leather belt on it and *poof* it's a dress! Anyways, it was freezing today and it was the perfect semi-summer-only opportunity I will have to wear them before Autumn. I didn't have much to do today before work, but I couldn't bare to be alone. I overslept, drank a lot of coffee, forced a shower, overlooked the hair-falling-out situation, then told myself to dress up so I would feel better.

I drove down to my favorite thrift store where my favorite thrift store lady told me I hadn't been there in a month...A month? A MONTH!?!? Well...actually that sounds correct. Work, eat, sleep, repeat has been my life for the past month. I went in for some personal shopping time not really thinking about finding anything. I just wanted to lose myself in the discovery, in the racks, in the stories of the beautiful objects, in the conversations around me, in my comforting world of collected things. My favorite thrift store had doubled in volume of stuff in the last month. It was wonderful. There was a late 1960's wedding dress in the window. Before I had the chance to play dress up in it some old lady who runs a rental business snagged it up. I felt really angry about this. That dress would never belong to someone who it was meant for because she would now only rent it to some rich girl who has a taste for vintage clothing.

I went on to discover all clothes were 50% off (too much volume of stuff I suppose) and to my delight I found three dresses on the $1 rack. All different, all late 60's/early 70's, all mine. And then a vintage Samsonite blue stewardess bag, a red leather belt, a pair of 70's lace up boots, and an 80's poofy purple snow coat that perfectly matches my 80's snow pants. All for $9.70.

I left with my little treasures and headed to work to eat before I passed out. I sat down with my mini tuna sandwich when Josh began sweeping the lobby. I heard him laugh and connected it to the fact I was scarfing the sandwich down without breathing.

"I'm starving!" I said through bread, lettuce, and pickles.

"Yeah, I see that, but that's not what I'm laughing at."


"Your tights, you just don't care do you?"

"They have flowers on them!" I exclaimed in defense.

"Yeah...Only you can wear that kind of stuff and just wear it and not care. It's nice. You just don't care." then he walked off.

Josh is different. He is kind of slow, grew up in special classes, regarded as never going to make it high in life, but I love him. He doesn't always do well in social situation or in expressing himself, but when he said that to today I just felt He didn't me that I don't care in the sense of what people think or anything along those lines. He meant that I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid to be myself.

I express myself through clothing. I love that peach nightie dress because when I wear it I feel the exact way I felt when I would dress up in my grandmas' silking nighties and prance around her house all day long. I wear those tights with the little peach flowers on them because I can remember sitting in church on Sundays, after my mom had forced them on me, and counting the flowers until service was over. I wore those things to be comforted, because I just needed some sense of comfort today. And those kinds of emotions drive the way I dress.

It's how I express things that I don't...that I can't talk about in spoken words.

That is how I "don't care." That is how I am me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hot dog, fiddle, dresses, and hospitals

Going to Asheville was supposed to be a trip that feel under completely different circumstances, but your grandma having a stroke on mothers day is never in the plans.

Besides on the emotion, questions, and shock the point is she is alive and WILL recover. As of now the left side of her body has partial body paralysis and her left carotid artery is blocked. Today was my first day off work so I could go see her. Given, momma didn't want me up there when they first moved her. After going to the wrong part of the hospital, twice, we finally made it to her room. She had just gotten back from some two hours test and was out of it. She opened her eyes long enough to see that it was me and ask me how I was doing...

It is so hard seeing her like that. My grandma hasn't always acted as if she is full of energy, but she has always been self sufficient and non-stop talking. Now her body is damaged, she goes in and out of reality, and her face looks broken. I was desperate for her to just come back and start talking about anything normal. I want her to come in my front door and ask me to put it on The Young and the Restless. I want her to nag me. I want her to come into my room and start touching everything in the same way that it has always unnerved me.

I just didn't know what to do. I sat there and listened as my momma and aunt talked on and on. I told grandma that I loved her, then we had to get back so we could get Kasey's dads car back (our car is officially dead). They are moving her to the rehab center back here at home tomorrow so I can go stay with her during the day before I go to work...and she will get better.

Before heading home Kasey took me somewhere he knew would lift my spirits:

Downtown Asheville, Urban Outfitters.

Once we walked the block over from Lexington I just started to fill alive. All the art on the building, the guys playing guitars and fiddles on the corner with their opened cases, the hot dog/lemonaide stand on the other corner, the breeze, the cars, the was wonderful.

Urban Outfitters was empty beside for myself and a couple workers. It was as if the store was all mine. I ran my hands over every necklace, pair of canvas Mary Janes, sunglasses, and dress I could get my fingers on. I settled on this beautiful cream and black polka dotted dress with a velvet black and bow. It was only $9!
This is a sneak peak to how beautiful it will be on me this weekend when me and Kasey go out.
Then as I popped out of the dressing rooms ready to take my beauty home, Kasey handed me this! Ah! There is not another modern album I would want to own and listen to over and over again on vinyl. Oh Zooey, how I love you.
Goodbye, I will see you again.
This is the alley on the backside of Urban Outfitters. I was in love with this wall.

And now I am back home. Back to reality...

Monday, May 2, 2011

In pursuit of the perfect cup

So I decided to have a "me" date today. After the long, stressful, emotional, crazy week I thought I truly deserved a thrift store and food.

I changed five times until I felt like a was wearing the perfect outfit consisting of my red blouse with white horazontal stripes and big bow on the colar tucked into my navy blue polka dot highwaisted swishy skirt.

I listened to Death Cab's new song over and over again as I drove into town to the nearest Goodwill. I was truly praying to find the Rodarte dress from Target that went missing before I could snag one up when they re-released them two months ago. Sadly nothing. Not only that, I couldn't find a stitch of vintage clothing.

Nothing...absolutely nothing. I felt like crying. Not a single dress, shirt, skirt, or pair of shoes. I can always find at least something. I left with a sick feeling in my stomach and a pair of clearance Target tights with little pink flowers on them for $1. I mean sure they were cute, reminded me of the cream tights with flowers my momma would force me to wear with my frilly dresses every Sunday morning as a child, but I just didn't feel satisfied. I wanted to have a a true find, something would inspire me beyond its existence. Like maybe it would inspire me to listen to a song, say something important to someone, crochet something.

I thought I should eat. I saw the Panda Express sign and new I wanted it badly. I got my usual sweetfire chicken, orange chicken, and chowmein. It was cold, chewy...nasty. I thought about complaining, but then I thought to all those people who had cussed me out at work this week over nothing and simply threw it away and left. $6.75, flush toilet.

At this point I thought I should forget about the whole thing and go home, but there was Starbucks. Why not? I am tired of seeing that commercial where the coffee bean go from plant to cup especially for Sue or whoever. It was intriguing and I wanted to see the new logo cups. But here I am with one of the back-stock of the old cups, no new logo, listening to some band no one has ever heard of (this is an exaggeration. I know for a fact it is Beck playing), and loathing the moment I have to leave because that means I have to go to work.

Are the stars not aligned or something? I don't know. I thought being alone and spending time with myself would help, but I keep looking around at these strangers and I long for someone close to me to be here to talk too. I long for a friend, the ones that I love dearest that are so far away from me. I want to close my eyes and wish myself to Milwaukee or Anderson. I want Kasey here with me instead of only having the few minutes during the day where we have a quick passing of conversation before we go our separate ways to our jobs. I don't want these strangers anymore. I want those that I know I love and love me in return. I don't want another face that isn't a face of comfort.

I know this stems from all the hatred, hostility, and the ridiculous behavior I have received from people at work this week.

What is wrong with people?